i remember Sunday mornings and the sunshine coming through the drawn curtains. The sound of horseshoes on the paved road outside of the apartment building. Coffee and a cigarette in the sunshine of the balcony, waving to people passing by or other's outside on their own balconies. I remember the sound of the television, not in English, but still comforting in it's own right. I remember waffles and eggs and the low hum of the dishwasher. Cleaning empty wine glasses from the evening before. Washing the bedding, and opening the windows to let the fresh air in. It smelled like the country. The sour undertone of manure overshadowed by the freshness of crisp, sweet vegetation. I remember trumpeter swans. I remember micro suede couch fabric against my bare skin and the breeze caressing my naked limbs. Acres and acres of flowers, and a simple depository box, to leave a donation. I remember so much so vibrantly. I close my eyes and I could be there once again. And while I am sorry that things did not go as planned, somewhere, along the line, they did. And it was grand for a time.

Whimp

I started crying today, because my back hurt. I feel like such a wimp but I had to get it out there. This flu-bug or whatever is really quite painful and horrible and I am going to assume that it was the same bug that had been going around a few weeks ago that I had been telling myself how lucky i was not to have caught it. So much for that. So i take alieve and occasionally cry because even walking just hurts. I am such a baby, and i really am... The worst part is that I can only seem to vulnerable to myself. What would be really awesome would be someone to bring me orange juice and a cheesey movie who would not care if I looked like death and who would really just want to sit there with me on a couch, kiss my head, and hold me until i drifted off into a sickness induced sleep. Ugh being sick makes me so needy and hyper-dependent, ew gross. The whole deal just makes me ornery and angry. It kind of sucks being sick and alone though. I snapped on Chris because he keeps telling me he wants me in his life and that i am the best thing in his life, but i keep feeling like he is putting me on a pedestal. His friends don't all really like me, and sometimes i wonder if that is another reason why he wants to be with me so desperately. To show that he is the "bigger person" so to say, and that he will not be influenced by outsiders opinions. e says i am beautiful and wonderful and smart and charming, and yes he knows me too well. He knows that as soon as i have something i no longer want it. Like a chimp, who desperately wants the other chimps banana, but as soon as he has it he just drops it in the jungle brush. meh, i didn't really want this. sigh. Wish his friends hadn't of made me feel like shit. I am a lot happier ... away from all that. I don't think he understands, he says that no one else's opinions should matter but i tell him that they do regardless, especially since they have already made their opinions blatantly obvious.... It is not all just about him... he needs to understand that. /yawn mmmm i could go for black licorice, or black jelly beans. Best treats when you're sick. I can't stay awake much longer. I don't know if it was depression or sickness or what but i am starting to understand where jill is coming from. How you should be picky choosing a date, because it's not just about going out and having fun and getting drunk and doing the nasty. It starts to become about who will be a suitable match and do they want the same things in life and can you tolerate their presence for multiple years, do they want babies?, Will they lose interest in you if you get fat?