Only the Lonely

I awoke, so startled from my dream that my head was pounding and my heart was racing. After i took a moment to collect my thoughts I thought to myself “That wasn't a dream, that was a vision.”

I was among friends, male friends, they were very dramatic, well dressed and handsome in a theateresque style. One in particular gave me a lot of his attention and I enjoyed it. He teased me and we laughed together playfully. Then another young man arrived, handsome, and attentive,although a bit more reserved. I began to get the impression I was very desired by these men, so chivalrous they were. I spoke with the first about some trouble of mine, something that worried me, some insecurity of myself and he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. My heart was radiating happiness.

Then, more people started arrive and my rose-tinted glasses were quickly removed. I remember two men and two women vividly. One man was tall and large and used his size to frighten people and his strength to manipulate people.The other was short and fat with beady eyes who didn't say anything, just watched, but by not saying anything he said a lot.
Two were women, one small and rail-thin with piercing eyes and another large and fat with a big face and she wore something like a Russian stacking doll on her head, as an elaborate headdress.

The tall man began berating me, the women watching but saying nothing. My previous companions, trying to stand up for me, were silenced by the severity of the hate these new people had for me. I wasn't completely sure why theses people hated me so much. They seemed more than accepting of other people-strange people, lonely people, even bad people.

I had been lonely too, I had craved companionship too, but there was no offer of acceptance from them. They had decided for some reason that I should be treated differently. Then they proceeded to treat me that way. The larger of them advancing on me, slowly and methodically, telling me everything that was “wrong” or “bad” about myself. Even things I had done in the past that were done out of love and kindness and empathy, he twisted and manipulated and threw back at me, as an ugly writhing mass of self loathing, hatred, and regret. I started to hide behind myself, to cover my face, or my arms, as if they could deflect the assault I was receiving. I looked around, for someone to be my champion to step in and say that he was wrong, and that there was nothing that I should be ashamed of, but no one stepped in. Their silence united them with my assailants. I had backed myself onto a ledge, I peered over the ledge and the ground was thick with mud below. I tried to brace myself against the assault one last time, looking frantically at anyone, my eyes pleading for someone to intervene on my behalf because I knew that I couldn't stop it on my own.

I gave up and I stepped off the ledge and fell a short distance landing softly on my feet-then my knees- in the mud. I welcomed the mud because at least I wasn't being assaulted here, even though it was belittling;no one wanted to find themselves knee deep in a mud pit. Strangely the same man pushed the two other women into the mud next. They fell on either side of me, the small one quite and glaring. I couldn't tell if she was glaring at me or at some far-distant point, seething with anger at her predicament. The larger woman with the Russian doll headdress immediately began to blame me. She seemed offended at my very existence and she was going to let me know. At this point, in my dream I can’t get much lower, I was loved and desired, I survived a verbal assault and abuse, and when I was thrown in the mud, no one had defended me, instead they had blamed me for their situation as well.

It was no surprise to me then, at that moment, I cracked.

Something deep inside me shattered, maybe my pride, and words overflowed from my mouth faster than I could control them. I began to tell them all, even the man on the ledge who had put me here, how they had hurt me. It started with how and continued for a time because they had hurt me so much and for so long. I started asking them “Why?” “Why do you cause me pain?” But it was futile because they would not answer me. I wanted to know why they could seem so accepting of people and yet certain people they cherry pick and choose to make outcasts-to say, “We accept this person, even though they have your same faults or worse, but we love them, and we protect them, and we are their family, but not you. You deserve to be put down, trodden on, pissed on and essentially outcast for your past decisions.” And I started to weep because every time I told them something they had done that hurt me, I had to feel that pain all over again, and relive that experience once more.

The large woman argues with me and blames me over and over for her being in the mud. I still don’t understand her logic. She seemed to think my mere presence caused the tall man to throw her and the thin one into the mud, but instead of being upset at him for his thoughts and actions, she was upset at me, the ignorant catalyst, for setting in motion such a reaction.

At this point I am starting to breach the veil of the dream, I can feel my heart beating fast and hear my pulse in my head. I start to wake up, and my dream self is standing up in the mud. She no longer wants to be accepted, she gives up trying to please people, she doesn’t blame anyone for her fall, not even herself, she trudges away through the mud in search of something better. In the end she finds her own potential for greatness, by leaving behind the bullies and the nay-sayers. It’s a lonely way to walk, but she had a light inside of her, and a memory of one time when she was desired and cherished, and touched softly and spoken to with encouragement.